


I'll miss you, recent lover

by Kindacool



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Homelessness, M/M, Major Character Undeath, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, also Quentin needs a hug, lot of thinking in this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25069750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kindacool/pseuds/Kindacool
Summary: They had saved Josh and Fen, with time-traveling, but yet, couldn't save him the same way?This is some bullshit.(In which, Quentin saves himself, because no-one else does it.)
Relationships: Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh, William "Penny" Adiyodi/Julia Wicker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	I'll miss you, recent lover

He opens his eyes. Everything is dark, for a long while. Eventually though, light always finds a way, which was the case here as well. He was in a poorly lit room, which reminded him of his middleschool principal's office where he would get scolded every once in a while. It isn't a very nice place, all grey color and dark edges, with the only cozy commodity being a tall bookshelf in deep mahogany tree. Quentin instinctively reaches for it, as he places a hand on the ground, effectively pushing himself up from the ground, where he had previously laid. 

Books of every kind was scattered around on the huge shelf, with seemingly nothing in common. Quentin knew some of them from his childhood, exploring fantasy worlds and every kind of magic, yet others spoke of logic and math and all kinds of other things, which Quentin frankly found boring, if it wasn't in connection with a spell, that is. Still, it was extraordinary, big and impressive, with books of every color. 

Quentin scans the rest of the room, where a small, grey couch stands alongside the wall on top of a boring grey rug, and a small table, where the residue of coffee-cups could still be seen. An office chair stands near the couch, and reminded Quentin of the kind his therapists always sat on, nodding and writing down on their little notepads, all of his trouble and despair.  
On the other side of the room, a very normal door is visible, and only a little bit open. Quentin walks over there slowly, still gathering his wits, and starting to get small glimpses of what he could now see was his very real death. The pain, of a thousand small cuts of glass was still so clear to him, that his brain had blocked the memories of the entire scene, but now it was coming back to him. Alongside it, was the questions, now burning him up within. Had they done it? Had they saved Elliot?

Is he... dead? 

Everything was weird here, he realized, all grey and wrong. And he fells nothing, not the pain, which he was glad of, but nothing else either. He's distressed, yet his heart doesn't beat in his chest, and he can't feel the temperature of the room either. It isn't cold or hot or anything, it just... is. 

And, the most important question; where is he? Is he dead? But this doesn't look like the underworld, he'd seen before. If anything, it seemed more like an in-between place, which gives him a spark of hope. Maybe then, he isn't all the way dead yet. Maybe he still has a chance.

He would like to see Elliot again, he thinks, just to see him alive, and himself once again. But then again - if Elliot is dead, does he really want to he resurrected? He doesn't know the answer to that question.

Well, nothing was ever solved by standing dumbly in an ugly room, staring at a door. He walks forward, out the door. A Long corridor meets him, filled with paintings of old monarchs and queens, that seems to stare at him, as he walks. Their eyes follow him down the seemingly never-ending hall, judging and harassing him, every step of the way.

Corridor should not be allowed to be this long. Mostly it's boring, and Quentin has never dealt well with boredom. Too much time to think, does him bad. 

Because he had wanted to die, hadn't he? So, why wasn't he? Why isn't he with his father, and Teddy and Arielle?

He misses them, but he doesn't know if he misses life, yet, or if he ever will. It's hard to think here, because everything is so subdued, even his feelings. He knows he should want to be alive, should want to fight to get out of this creepy place, but he has no real sway one way or the other. Most of all, he wants someone else to make that choice for him, preferable someone alive, who could bring him back to life. It shouldn't take this oblong to bring someone back to life, should it? 

Maybe he's in a coma. Maybe that is what this place is. Or maybe it's just some kind of weird, long dream. Maybe he's going to wake up in a bit, and not even remember this place. 

And then the corridor ends, and he's in front of the exact same door as the one he'd previously walked out of. Hoping, with all his heart, that he hasn't gone in circles, he turn the door knob and walks into... a garden?

A big, beautiful garden, with such a large variety of plants and flowers that he can't even name the amount of differenting ones. As he steps out, the door closes behind him, and he looks up into the great, blue sky. As far as his eyes can see, there is wilderness and nature, so he can't measure how big this new place is. It's beautiful here, but so very quiet, and that unnerves him more than anything else, so far. 

As he walks on, barefoot into the grass, he sees a bald spot on the ground before him, where a clear... liquid of some kind is splattered. When he looks closer, he sees himself look back, his hair a little longer, and with no visible wounds. The picture soon vanishes however, showing a new scene before his eyes, so fast that it's a wonder his eyes and brain can even process it. He sees his friends, saving the world, dealing with the dark King, and bringing Josh and Fen back to life, dancing, saving magic once again, Julia pregnant, and having a baby somehow, Elliot alive, the moon being destroyed and so much more, so fast that it takes awhile for him to but everything in a chronological order. 

The first thing that makes sense to him, is that Elliot is alive. And apparently dating some man who once lived in his head. And that, more than anything, broke his heart open. It seemed like the whole vison he had seen had only taken course in a few months. Was he that replaceable, that everyone could get over him in that short a time period?

They had saved Josh and Fen, with timetraveling, but yet, couldn't save him the same way?

He took a step back, confused, numb and frankly, pissed.

"So you're finally awake. Took you long enough."

He turns around, and is, weirdly, met by Penny. But not the new Penny, he realizes, but their Penny, the original one. 

"What's going on? What're you doing here?" He responds, his voice dry and weird from unused, in... how long?

"Well I'm here because I'm with the Library's underworld branch, but that's a whole other story. The story you have to hear, my friend, is your own. Do you know where you are?"

Quentin shakes his head. He has an idea, but no solid facts. 

"You're in limbo basically. When you died, your soul got stranded in the mirrorworld instead of returning to the underworld as it should have. We think it got lost. But when Rupert Chatwin opened the portal to the underworld, you returned here. That means you're not ready to die yet, that you have some things you need to fix. Most souls get to do that in spirit form, and then return to their righteous place in the underworld, but since these are.. extraordinary circumstances, I wanted to give you a whole other choice."

Quentin didn't respond at first, too baffled by the whole speech to even comprehend the last bit of information. Rupert Chatwin? Since when was he alive? But that must mean... the dark king. Of Course! 

"What kind of choice?" He finally asked

"The choice of life or death. Do you want to go back, out there on earth once again, or do you want to finally rest? God knows you've earned it." Penny says, smilling.

"I can go back?"

"Yes. It's up to you Q."

"Can I have some time to think about it?"

"Sure, I'll come back when your mind is set."

Quentin nods absently, his head already spinning in both directions, mulling over the choices that he has been given.

"But you might want to hurry. The offer only stands until the portal closes down." 

"I- just, a while okay? I don't know.." He stops, finally looking at Penny, taking him in. He hasn't aged a days since he died, but he seems more... peaceful now. He's wearing a dark suit, which looks odd on him, compared to what he used to wear, back then.

"Sure buddy. See you in a bit"

And with that he's gone. And Quentin has quite the choice to make.

___

He can't tell how much time goes by. He sits down, staring at the cool liquid on the ground, that no longers shows him anything but his own, stupid face. He's sad, and confused, and heartbroken, and angry. 

He's angry at Alice and Elliot, that all it apparently took for them to get over him was a stupid letter and a mushy feelings-talk together. And he's angry that it took his death to get Elliot to finally admit that they had an actual life together, before. He's angry at Julia for moving on, and having a family with stupid wrong-Penny, and he's angry at Margo for acting like Quentin was only friends with Elliot and not her as well. At least, he had considered her a friend. He wasn't sure, anymore, that the sentiment had been returned. And he's angry at himself, for ever sacrificing himself to help those assholes, for even being here, half-dead in the first place.

He tried to imagine, being actual dead, to go down to the underground with his dad and Arielle and Teddy. But it seemed wrong, somehow. Like he wasn't done yet, like he had too much to do. And he didn't like being here either, in this beautiful, yet wrong place full of nothing but plants and a never-changing sky. 

It isn't a choice really, when it come down to it. Quentin doesn't want to be dead, as much as he doesn't want to be living. Hr just want to be back at the cottage at the mosaic, or back in grad school with Julia and her insufferable boyfriend and his stupid little crush, or back with Alice their first year at Brakebills before everything got so damn complicated and he believed that magic still was a good and pure thing. 

He want's to go back. If nothing else, to prove that he doesn't need his friends help to save himself. And because if no-one is there to save you, what choice do you really have, but to save yourself?

Penny is back, suddenly, as if brought back by the certainty of Quentins choice. 

Quentin tells Penny what he already knows. 

"It was good to see you again Quentin. I hope you get to bee happy, this time around." Penny smiles to him. 

And what else can Quentin do, than smile back, and say: "I hope so too."

A flash, a short breath of air, and suddenly Quentin is back.

He's alive.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually don't think this fic is that good, but I have to take my anger out somehow, and this was the best outlet I could think off. Fuck season 5 man


End file.
